Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
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Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
I’m crying im so happy for them
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left