“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
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Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Autocorrect completely socks
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.