You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
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sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck