Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
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Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber