*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
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I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.