Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
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Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread