Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
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I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot