Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
You Might Also Like
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?