me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
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I can also cook 😂
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.