Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
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My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I think this should do it.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Goodnight 🐶
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.