Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
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the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes