is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
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Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Canadian owl: Eh?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.