I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
You Might Also Like
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Happy weekend !
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo