My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
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If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Effort made
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit