I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
You Might Also Like
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?