If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
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My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]