“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
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Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”