Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
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me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.