[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
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[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.