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The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???