Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
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PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.