A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
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Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person