Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
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My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)