dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
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Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Best table by far
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.