Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
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Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Guantanamo Bae
How animals would run if they were human
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese