You Might Also Like
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Tremendous stuff
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.