I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
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One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.