Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
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I wish this was real life…
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
#math
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Worth a try
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.