*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
You Might Also Like
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
12. I think about this all the damn time
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.