him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
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DUDE!
Why didn鈥檛 you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
I know there鈥檚 a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they鈥檒l have adequate handcuffs.
Neil Diamond: 馃幎HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS馃幎
CDC: NO
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don鈥檛 have a phone.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you鈥檙e hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
I am never leaving this website
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it鈥檚 my turn