Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
You Might Also Like
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.