I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
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date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Name this drama.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.