I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
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I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
wtf is an acronym
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Never forget.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food