Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
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whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
When they try to steal your moment.
I don’t make the rules sorry