[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
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SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
My dryer is celebrating lint.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Spotted in New Orleans.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Before crowbars crows drank alone