Who’s ready for Friday?!
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Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
What the hell happened in there??
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck