What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
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“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.