Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
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By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
WHY?!
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.