Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
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Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.