ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
You Might Also Like
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.