BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
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Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate