3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
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YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.