grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
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me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
i meant to share this earlier
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.