What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
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The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend