Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
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unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
(by @ZachWeiner )
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me: