I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
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Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.