If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
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Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Not today. 😅
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.