When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
You Might Also Like
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Boy never ceases to amaze me
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.