If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
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Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour