My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
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it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
If you’re testing me, we failed.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Wait a second…
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Lassie, get help!
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.